The One: Knowing When You’ve Found Your Life Partner
By: Mary Alston Kerllenevich, Ph.D.

The question is perennial: How do you know when you’ve found “the one”? We ask it of ourselves, our family, and our friends over and over, wondering whether someone in our lives could be that special person who makes us happy. When my husband and I moved to St. Augustine we found that we encountered this question more and more. Running helicopter tours from the St. Augustine airport, he’s had to coordinate a lot of marriage proposals. Some of these proposals are dramatic and would make any girl envious: Proposals spelled out in the sand, written in lights on rooftops, or ending with arrival by helicopter to a surprise engagement party. My husband often says that by the time of these proposals, the answer isn’t part of the surprise. The couple has given each other every indication of their readiness to tie the knot.

Some proposals, however, don’t go as well. These guys are in a hurry – rushing to the alter before either one thinks better of it or everything falls apart. I had the unfortunate opportunity to field one of these calls. The date and time had already been set, but the aspiring fiancé called to make a last minute request: “Could you make the ride really scary? That way I think she’ll be more likely to say yes.” I didn’t know how to respond, but muttered something about complying with FAA guidelines and referred him to the pilot for their flight. The proposal, as you might have guessed, was turned down. Even the pilot thought the botched proposal would make his top ten list of insanely awkward moments in his life.

So what makes some people so sure, while others are left stabbing in the dark? Many people report that there was a moment, or several moments, when they just knew that the one they were with was the one who would be their life partner. I knew I had found him when I realized that no matter where I was, I felt like I was ‘home’ as long as we were together. In other cases, family and friends will say they knew a relationship was meant to be just by the way they acted. Someone who is usually very reserved and noncommittal may suddenly change her ways, and openly gush about a new crush.

While no one else can answer this question for you, premarital counseling provides a few simple questions that can help determine whether you’ve found your match:

• Is there a spark? While your partner may become your best friend – there has to be more than that to have a full romantic relationship.
   

• Are you being yourself when you’re with this person? Things are bound to last when you feel like you’re less anxious when you’re with this person than when you’re not – or when you feel like you’re really free just to be your true self when you’re together.
   

• Can you count on this person? When life throws you a curve, do you know that this person will be there for you? You’ve found a good partner when you’re confident you can work together through relationship’s many challenges: financial management, family crises, religious and lifestyle differences.
   

• Are you becoming a part of each other’s families? Are you eager to share your family (no matter how crazy-making) with this person? Can you imagine, accept, or even look forward to having your partner’s family as your own?
   

• Do you share a vision for the future? You should have more than just dreams of being together. Starting a life together means setting down the same path towards a shared set of goals and dreams.

The truth is, even once these questions are answered and you know you’ve found the one, the question doesn’t go away. It comes back up whenever there’s a strain in your relationship – when you’re spouse is nagging you again about that honey-do list or when all your weekends are planned around the t.v. sports schedule – you find yourself asking again if this was really the best choice for you. Fortunately, thinking it through most often brings you to the same conclusion. There’s an old saying that really holds true, “A successful marriage involves falling in love many times – always with the same person.” And just as often as stress brings up doubts in the soundness of our life partnerships, there are those moments, both big and small, where our hearts melt and we just know that there could be no other one who could make the moment any better.

Psychological Services of St. Augustine, Inc.

Main Office: 1100-1 South Ponce de Leon Boulevard, St. Augustine, Florida 32084
Phone (904) 824-7733 Fax (904) 829-9768

Southlake Office: 300 Kingsley Lake Dr, Suite 403 St Augustine, FL 32092

pssa@pssacare.com