Keeping the Spark in Your Marriage
By: Mary Alston Kerllenevich, Ph.D.

At the beginning of each year we get a lot of calls at Psychological Services of St. Augustine from couples in our community who are looking for help with their marriages. After the grueling holiday season even the best of us are often feeling a little inpatient with one another, and the start of a new year feels like a good time to try and address problems in relationship. Valentine’s Day is a another time where couples start to notice that their relationship is not what it once was – that their amorous feelings have faded, they don’t communicate as well, or they’ve let a lot of old issues build up a wall between them. Regardless of the relationship and the specific problems that couples face, every relationship eventually faces the same question: How do you keep the spark alive?

Many people are surprised when they hear that one of the best ways to keep your relationship interesting is to make sure that your own life is interesting. Rather than letting your life revolve around your relationship, make time to pursue your own interests and hobbies. If there’s a class that you’ve been wanting to take or a hobby you want to pursue, whether it be cooking, kayaking, martial arts – you name it – finding new areas that you enjoy keeps your life interesting and brings new topics of conversation to the table.

A key item in keeping the spark in a relationship is to make time for one another. Few relationships can survive if all the time spent together centers around paying bills, taking care of kids, cleaning the house and mowing the lawn. As wonderful as it is to have a good team partner, there’s little romantic about daily chores. You have to take time together with one another on a regular basis to connect in a different way. Include a regular date night in your routine. Try and make it a real date – not just dining at the same old places or watching movies together in silence. Don’t forget to be spontaneous – plan a new trip or surprise your partner with a lunch date. Going new places and exploring new activities not only keeps things interesting, it helps you to continue to learn about one another and become closer.

Communication, that cornerstone of any good relationship, can also help keep the spark alive in your relationship. Communicating to your partner what you enjoy about your relationship builds closeness and helps your partner to feel appreciated and excited about investing more in your relationship. Try telling your partner every day one thing that you like or appreciate about them. Or let your partner know what they do that makes you feel loved – most people have some simple things that go a long way in making them feel cared for. Whether it’s when your partner has your car washed, makes you breakfast, or simply says something nice, let them know when their actions make you feel appreciated and loved. This simple thank you not only makes your partner feel good, but also increases the chances that they’ll do these simple things more often.

Finally, if you want to keep the heat in your relationship, you have to protect your bedroom from the daily onslaught of chores and stress. If you want your bed to be a place where you and your partner find romance or passion, you can’t bring any number of chores to bed with you. No matter how busy you are, it can’t be the place where you compare schedules, make the grocery list, complain about things your partner has or hasn’t done, or discuss finances. You have to limit those conversations to other times and places. If your bed has become your office, or you find that your love life is getting stale, it can be helpful to change things around. Small alterations, like rearranging your bedroom furniture or putting a new candle in your room, can make a big difference in resetting the mood when you couple it with an intent to change the tone of your conversations.

One of the hardest things about bringing the spark back into a relationship when it’s died down to a faint glow is that we often want our partners to be the ones who start making changes. We want to be surprised rather than plan surprises. But if you tell your partner to surprise you, all the fun is gone. Instead, be the first to start making changes and you may be surprised by the reaction that you get and the changes that you see. After all, if you’ve read this article, you’re one step ahead of your partner in thinking about how to keep your relationship alive and passionate.


 

Mary Alston Kerllenevich earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Clark University in 2006. She completed her pre-doctoral internship with Emory School of Medicine at Grady Hospital in Atlanta prior to joining Psychological Services of St. Augustine in 2006. She works with both adults and children, and specializes in treating a variety of child behavior problems, and problems with depression and anxiety. She particularly enjoys working with young children and families, and uses a solution-focused approach in her treatment of mental health problems.

Psychological Services of St. Augustine, Inc.

Main Office: 1100-1 South Ponce de Leon Boulevard, St. Augustine, Florida 32084
Phone (904) 824-7733 Fax (904) 829-9768

Southlake Office: 300 Kingsley Lake Dr, Suite 403 St Augustine, FL 32092

pssa@pssacare.com