Keeping Your Cool with
Difficult People
By: Mary Alston Kerllenevich, Ph.D.
Even the most even-tempered people can become unnerved when
dealing with people who are determined to get under their
skin or are just plain difficult to get along with. Yet no
matter how your buttons get pushed, you’re expected to keep
your cool and manage situations professionally and coolly.
If you think that’s a challenge, you’ve already taken the
first step towards dealing well with difficult people.
Treating the situation as a puzzle to be solved rather than
a burdensome problem that can’t be fixed is essential in
preventing yourself from getting “hooked” by a difficult
person and getting frustrated, angry, or downright hostile.
Hostility not only endangers your ability to manage the
situation successfully, but is an additional psychological
burden to bear, resulting in fatigue, increased
cardio-vascular and other health problems, and continued
angry feelings.
Once you’re ready for the challenge, there
are two basic approaches towards keeping your cool. When you
start to feel angry (an important sign that something is
wrong) you can either deal with the upsetting situation
directly, or you can try to relax and get rid of the anger
before it escalates into hostility or thinly veiled
resentment.
Sometimes the easiest place to start is with
your own angry feelings. The only thing that you can
control, after all, is yourself. Scan your body for the
usual tension that builds up when you get angry: Are your
fists or jaw clenched? Is your heart beating faster or your
breathing shallower? Have you stopped breathing altogether
or are you tensing the muscles in your head? Whatever your
body’s response to anger, take a few deep breaths and try to
relax your muscles, letting all the tension go. Instead of
being defeated by frustrating, negative thoughts (ones that
include “should,” “must,” “can’t,” “always” or other
over-generalizations) stop and review the positive aspects
of your life that are more important than the current
annoying situation. If you’re still feeling angry, you can
try envisioning a favorite place where you usually feel calm
– imagine floating in the waves at the beach or being at a
party with all of your favorite people. Hold the vision
until you feel calmer – once you feel like smiling, you’ve
mastered the anger.
When dealing with the difficult person
directly, there are several techniques for disarming them
and reducing the chances that they’ll be able to bait you in
any further. While staying calm and determined that they
won’t get to you, try listening and empathizing with the
problem that they’re having. Keep good eye contact and nod
your head – once they can tell that you’re really listening,
they’re more likely to stick to reasonable facts rather than
rant and rave. Help them stick to the facts by repeating
them back or writing them down. You don’t have to agree with
their point of view to accept that they view the situation
as a problem that’s causing them some headache, and you can
let them let off some steam by not interrupting, arguing, or
telling them to “calm down”.
If they don’t start to calm down, try some
other tricks: use their name when you address them (treating
them more like an individual with a problem rather than a
problem you have to “deal with”), and watch your body
language and tone of voice - try to stay warm without being
patronizing. Finally, don’t jump in with easy solutions. It
helps to under-promise but over-deliver – if you jump in
with a sure-fire solution you can get hooked into the drama.
Tell the person that you have some suggestions but that you
don’t know if they will work for them (even if you’re pretty
sure you have the answer). Don’t promise to sort things out
right away – say that it may take a day (or more) and give
them time to calm down.
Whatever happens, remember that when it
comes to difficult people, you can’t always win. Some people
cannot be placated or made to be reasonable no matter how
cool you play it. And in some situations you may need the
help of others in order to deal with situation – for
instance, if the difficult person is a co-worker, or even
worse, your boss. You can win, however, when you make it
your goal to keep your cool and stay reasonable, no matter
how crazy others may act.
Mary Alston
Kerllenevich earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from
Clark University in 2006. She completed her pre-doctoral
internship with Emory School of Medicine at Grady Hospital
in Atlanta prior to joining Psychological Services of St.
Augustine in 2006. She works with both adults and children,
and specializes in treating a variety of child behavior
problems, and problems with depression and anxiety. She
particularly enjoys working with young children and
families, and uses a solution-focused approach in her
treatment of mental health problems.
