Family Time
By: Mary Alston Kerllenevich, Ph.D.

It’s November and many of us are making plans for family get-togethers over the holidays. If your family is anything like mine, even the best-laid plans may not always go as hoped. Family togetherness is a wonderful thing, but can be stressful for everyone. There’s always someone in the family who gives others a difficult time, or who is usually easy-going but is currently under too much stress to go with the flow. In addition, something inevitably goes wrong: the power goes out, the oven breaks with the turkey half-cooked, the cable goes out during the big game, a child gets sick or a plane gets delayed. It all adds up and the stress can be exhausting. Yet family togetherness is important and you still have to find ways to make time for them, no matter what. In order to make these family get-togethers into happy memories and traditions, you have to keep perspective on what’s important.

First, you have to remember that every family has stress and no family is perfect. I recently attended a wedding where the father of the bride offered a toast saying that, “family is not just about finding someone that is compatible with you, but how you deal with your incompatibilities.” Sometimes, love is not just a feeling that you have, but a decision that you make to do what it takes to support family members. Such is family life – it’s guaranteed to have some flaws. Letting go of the idea that you should have the ideal family and picture perfect holidays is a necessary step in actually enjoying your time together. It’s okay if dinner is late, the kids are whining, or you have a spat with your spouse. That’s par for the course and you just have to regroup and make it work. You don’t have to be close with everyone during every interaction – simple politeness will go a long way towards creating happy holidays.

Once you’ve accepted that there are bound to be some ups and downs, a little planning can help your family avoid any big fights or disasters. Think about what has worked in the past versus what hasn’t and try to do more of what works. If the group was happier when dinner was scheduled after the big game, or when someone took the kids outside for a game of tag, try to make similar plans to recreate those successes. Similarly, if some past get-togethers fell apart because everyone was over-tired, consider scaling back some of the plans. My sister hosted a Thanksgiving weekend where she included a mandatory naptime every day. While few people actually slept, the quiet time allowed everyone to recuperate and we all felt like it was the best get-together ever.

When you’re dealing with difficult family members, try to focus on what they’re doing right rather than what they’re doing wrong. Even the worst drama queens or grumps can be enjoyable when you ignore their attempts to upset you and connect with them in a way you can both enjoy. Rather than ruminating on how your family members upset you, try to find ways to be thankful for the times when they are supportive, caring and considerate.

Finally, it’s important to be yourself – be the person that your family and friends enjoy having around. Often we finish our growing up away from our families and when we return we get “sucked in” to old patterns and conflicts. We can find ourselves getting upset over childish issues (such as squabbling over whether Mom is going to make your favorite dish versus your siblings or who gets to sit in the most comfortable chair) and acting in ways we later find embarrassing. Your family deserves to get to know your best grown-up self, and you’ll be less stressed if you don’t relive your childhood arguments.

No matter what happens with your family holiday plans this year, try not to lose sight of your greater purpose. We get together to reconnect with people that we love, both to recall our shared memories and to create new memories together. These family memories will bind us together through the next generation, and help us to be there for one another through thick and thin in the future. No matter how difficult it can be to plan your family get-togethers, or how well your holiday goes, the time together is priceless.

 

Mary Alston Kerllenevich earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Clark University in 2006. She completed her pre-doctoral internship with Emory School of Medicine at Grady Hospital in Atlanta prior to joining Psychological Services of St. Augustine in 2006. She works with both adults and children, and specializes in treating a variety of child behavior problems, and problems with depression and anxiety. She particularly enjoys working with young children and families, and uses a solution-focused approach in her treatment of mental health problems.

Psychological Services of St. Augustine, Inc.

Main Office: 1100-1 South Ponce de Leon Boulevard, St. Augustine, Florida 32084
Phone (904) 824-7733 Fax (904) 829-9768

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